Live or die, but don't poison everything.. Well, death's been herefor a long time --it has a hell of a lotto do with helland suspicion of the eyeand the religious objectsand how I mourned themwhen they were made obsceneby my dwarf-heart's doodle. The chief ingredientis mutilation. And mud, day after day, mud like a ritual, and the baby on the platter, cooked but still human, cooked also with little maggots, sewn onto it maybe by somebody's mother, the damn bitch! Even so, I kept right on going on, a sort of human statement, lugging myself as if I were a sawed-off bodyin the trunk, the steamer trunk. This became perjury of the soul. It became an outright lieand even though I dressed the bodyit was still naked, still killed. It was caughtin the first place at birth, like a fish. But I play it, dressed it up, dressed it up like somebody's doll. Is life something you play? And all the time wanting to get rid of it? And further, everyone yelling at youto shut up. And no wonder! People don't like to be toldthat you're sickand then be forcedto watchyoucomedown with the hammer. Today life opened inside me like an eggand there insideafter considerable digging I found the answer. What a bargain! There was the sun, her yolk moving feverishly, tumbling her prize --and you realize she does this daily! I'd known she was a purifierbut I hadn't thoughtshe was solid, hadn't known she was an answer. God! It's a dream, lovers sprouting in the yardlike celery stalksand better, a husband straight as a redwood, two daughters, two sea urchings, picking roses off my hackles. If I'm on fire they dance around itand cook marshmallows. And if I'm icethey simply skate on mein little ballet costumes. Here, all along, thinking I was a killer, anointing myself dailywith my little poisons. But no. I'm an empress. I wear an apron. My typewriter writes. It didn't break the way it warned. Even crazy, I'm as niceas a chocolate bar. Even with the witches' gymnasticsthey trust my incalculable city, my corruptible bed. O dearest three, I make a soft reply. The witch comes onand you paint her pink. I come with kisses in my hoodand the sun, the smart one, rolling in my arms. So I say Liveand turn my shadow three times roundto feed our puppies as they come, the eight Dalmatians we didn't drown, despite the warnings: The abort! The destroy! Despite the pails of water that waited, to drown them, to pull them down like stones, they came, each one headfirst, blowing bubbles the color of cataract-blueand fumbling for the tiny tits. Just last week, eight Dalmatians, 3/4 of a lb., lined up like cord woodeachlike abirch tree. I promise to love more if they come, because in spite of crueltyand the stuffed railroad cars for the ovens, I am not what I expected. Not an Eichmann.The poison just didn't take. So I won't hang around in my hospital shift, repeating The Black Mass and all of it. I say Live, Live because of the sun, the dream, the excitable gift. Anne Sexton

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